I am home now and pretty much half way settled into my dorm at school. Everything has been so crazy and hectic it feels like. The flights back went well and I was glad to see my parents when they picked me up in Atlanta. We went for IHOP after that which was a real treat. The second day of school is today and I feel like my head is on backwards. I haven't had time to process everything that's happened and I can definitely tell I am holding back so many emotions. Sunday I got to go to TCASC and see my college friends. I wasn't really able to say hello to anyone else at church though because after the service everything kind of hit me all at once and I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Luckily, I have awesome friends who are always there for me who helped me make a quick getaway without causing a scene haha. During the service some missionaries shared their testimonies and included a story about working with some orphans. This is what really got me I think, and the fact that I was just so overwhelmed by being able to attend corporate worship again! I just lost it and the tears wouldn't stop. I don't even really know why I was crying, but I knew I couldn't stop thinking about those precious children at AGHO. I don't know why I won't let myself just cry over missing them and longing to be back with them, but I guess maybe its just a coping mechanism. I keep having these horrible dreams that I am just convulsively sobbing but have still yet to let myself feel my emotions completely.
I am definitely still coping with jet-lag. Its kind of ridiculous actually. Yesterday I slept from 3pm to 11 at night, and then still slept through the night. I don't know what it will take to get back on a regular schedule. I feel like I am just m.i.a. right now. I am kind of mad at myself because I feel like I should be going out and trying to meet new people and freshmen and tell them about Ecclesia and Christ, but I just literally haven't been able to. It's weird for me because normally I am all over the place all the time, but these past two days I have really only been able to take care of myself. And, I understand that there is nothing wrong with that, but I still feel bad.
God is so good y'all. I really don't know what my future with Cambodia holds, but I know there is one. I wasn't expecting for God to reveal it to me when I went, and I am happy to just wait and be patient until He shows me what is next. I know I want to return to AGHO, but since I will be graduating and hopefully be starting a job next fall, I will need to be preparing my classroom during July, and it so happens to really be the only available time for me to go back as soon as I can. Who knows? Maybe I won't get a job and I'll be able to go back and stay for awhile (not that I don't want to get a teaching job, because I do!) I really don't know. I truly have no idea what is to come and I am just going to trust in God's sovereign plan for my life. I know He is looking out for those little angels in Cambodia, and that He is looking out for me as I start my senior year. I pray that the Lord would be able to use me this year to spread His name in whatever way that way may be. I want to live my life for Him, but this isn't to say I won't mess up or stumble, because I will. I am so thankful for His grace and mercy that are new every day. He is so great and I pray that the Lord would give me opportunities daily so show His love and share the Gospel with those around me.
Thank you everyone for praying for me and supporting me! I literally am in awe of how the Lord has used the Body of Christ to help me on this journey that has only just begun!
i thought i saw you sunday, and that you disappeared quickly. i guess i was right, and i certainly understand. i cried a ton too, and i have been back from africa for 3 months. it's just emotional to see what you have and then to return to "normal" life. i am praying as you adjust to college and life here again. it's not easy, but you will still be able to process and work through all God is teaching you, for a time to come. don't get too frustrated with yourself. i'm praying for you and love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Ms Jennifer! It truly means so much to me! Things are so much more simple over there and so complicated over here. I definitely have a changed perspective on a lot of things. It's especially hard to hear some of my class mates in the education department worry about such petty little things. I can't help but think of the people over there and the children at AGHO and how greatful they are for the littlest things! I would give anything to be there still! I really don't know how to process all that has happened and all that I've witnessed, especially at the genocide memorials. I can definitely say I am traumatized by that. Never have I felt such sorrow for a people group before. I don't know why God chose for me to love Cambodia, but I certainly do and I am so eager to show people all that the Lord has shown me.
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