Harsh realities, comforting truths.

Yesterday, I left the orphanage in the morning. I wanted it to be a quick goodbye so it wouldn't be as hard, but it didn't turn out that way. I wanted to cry so bad, but told myself I wouldn't. I think now I am feeling the affects of holding back those tears. It has hit me that I won't be seeing them.

We left yesterday morning and drove up to Phnom Phen where we took a detour and finally went to Toul Sleng. Toul Sleng is the highschool Pol Pot used during the Khmer Rouge as a prison and torture center. I cannot even begin to describe to you the horror that went on at this place. Never in my life have I felt such uneasiness. It was horrible. Ginny and I got a tour guide who took us through all three buildings and gave us many details I wish we had been spared of. It was very informational. Turns out she was a survivor of the Khmer Rouge. She told us her story about how she had to walk almost half way across the country, was separated from her parents and siblings and never saw them again. She was left in the rice fields and couldn't walk because her leg had been brutally damaged by torture. She showed us her scare on her left leg. She didn't tell us what they did to her. She said she was only 14 years old. She survived by eating worms in the rice fields. She did this for about 4 years and survived.

When touring Toul Sleng we were shown the places where they used to torture people. This is very, very, difficult for me to write about right now, but people need to know. It was the most horrific scenes I had every seen. They still had the metal beds and torturing tools they used. There were images on the walls of people who had been tortured and the different methods. There were still blood splatters all over the ceilings and stains on the floor that are still visible. It was the worst thing I have ever seen or witnessed. We also saw where the prisoners were kept. There was such a sense of hopelessness I felt. There were many, many, gruesome images of tortured corpses. There are bones on display and pictures of all of the victims because they were all registered under Pol Pot. When we were in one room I tripped over something, later to find out that it was an anchor on the floor where prisoners were chained and lined up in rows, dead or alive. Seeing some of the pictures of the children that were victims was the worst. A lot of them looked like kids at the orphanage. It makes me sick. I can't even describe to you what it is taking me to write this write now. I am horrified.

After Toul Sleng, we went to the memorial at the Killing Fields. We took an audio tour. There were over 3 million people killed during the Khmer Rouge, and most in killing fields. The people would be tortured at Toul Sleng and then brought in a truck to the killing fields, either already dead, or almost dead. They would be blind folded and hands tied behind their back, put on their knees, killed and pushed into the mass graves. Because bullets were expensive, most victims were killed by being struck in the head with tools such as shovels or large bamboo sticks. No one was an exception, not even some of the Khmer Soldiers. Men, women, and children of all ages, even infants were murdered senselessly. There is a spot where a large tree stands. This was a tree that was used to kill the babies. The soldiers would take the babies and throw them up against the tree. Sometimes the mothers witnessed this. Other times, unborn babies were ripped out of the mother's womb. Along the path around the mass graves there are clothes, teeth, and bones, that are still making their way to the surface. I have never witnessed anything as terrible as this. There were rags of clothes sticking out half way from under the dirt. There were many bones that we saw also making its way to the surface. There were small fragments at first on the trail, but as we kept walking, we started to see more clothes and larger bones coming up from the surface. There were bits of skull and long bones that looked like they were arms or legs. There were displays of piles and piles of clothes. There is a monument temple dedicated to the victims. The graves have all been excavated and the bones, from skulls to toe bones, are filled all the way up to the top of the temple. It was terrifying. I can't even fathom that this was less than 30 years ago!

People always say, "How could a loving God let this happen?"  God is sovereign in every aspect of anything and everything you could possibly imagine, from the smallest microorganisms, to the entire universe, but we forget that evil still has dominion on this earth. I can't  wait for the day when Christ returns and puts evil back where it belongs and we can all rejoice and praise our King in the New Heaven and New Earth. Our God is so good, and even though bad things happen, we must remember this. The fact that He would even think about having mercy on our sinful souls is enough, but more than that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to take on His wrath and our sin so that we may have a way to be with God, our Creator, Sustainer, Provider, and Savior. Yes, it is hard to think about these things, but we have to remember that there is HOPE and that hope comes from Jesus. I think about these things, and other hard questions I cannot answer, and wonder myself, but I do know that God has one perfect plan for all of His creation, and that even though bad things happen, He is still in control. It's easy to blame God and question His love for humanity when we witness such horror as genocide, but we must remember that God doesn't mess up. He never did and never will. I don't know why things such as these happen, and I can't answer that question for myself, but I do know that I believe in a loving and just God. God's justice is true. God's love is true. God's plan is flawless. He is the Sovereign One and nothing can separate us as believers from His love! I wish I could give an explanation as to why bad things happen if God loves His people, but the only thing I know is that His ways are so much higher than our ways, and that our minds cannot fathom the type of justice God has. Human justice is not equivalent with God's justice. And essentially since there is no human goodness, human goodness is not, never has been or ever will be, equivalent to God's goodness. We are purified in Him and can only lay at His feet in desperation for healing and cleansing from our sins. We NEED God. He does not need us. He loves us because He so chooses to love us, and we love Him because He so chooses to enable us to do so. None is righteous, no not one. He first loves us so that we can love. I'm not a Bible scholar, and I don't know all that much theology, but I can tell you this, I believe in the Holy, Living Word of God and I know that what it says is the ultimate truth and that NOTHING can stand against it. Truth is not relative, truth is the word. We can never fully understand God, we aren't meant to. Our brains are not made for that. If we were able to figure out exactly how and why God works, this would make us equal to Him, and we know that is NOT true. You cannot master the Master.

Today we were on a bus for about 8 hours up to Siem Reap where I fly out of tomorrow night. We went  to the markets and tomorrow we will go check out Angkor Wat, the most famous temples in Cambodia. I dread the plane ride back and I miss my family so, so, much. I also miss my "ch-ma" which is "cat" in Khmer haha. I have so much to do when I get back since school starts Monday. My brain is everywhere right now, but my heart is still with those smiling, angelic, faces at A Greater Hope Orphanage. I hope to return soon.

Love,

Laura