Wow. I can't even describe to you the longing I have to be with those children in Cambodia right now. I can't stop thinking about them. I dream about them every night. I can't help but cry. This is such a strange thing for me. I feel like I'm just being over dramatic, but I really am heartbroken right now. I literally have a sick feeling in my chest of just longing and emptiness. Everything I look at reminds me of something to do with Cambodia. I promise you I probably talk about Cambodia and those kids at least ten times a day.
I know I'll be going back. There is really no doubt of that it seems, but I just don't know when. It would be a dream come true if I could go back in December for Christmas, but I know that is not a very realistic thing.
Talk about a battle between flesh and spirit, man, I feel like two whole different people right now haha. Part of me can't wait to get my own little classroom at a little school and have my nice little life, go to a nice little church and have a nice little family all while staying in the comforts of the United States in Alabama where I'm close to my mom, dad, and sister, and everyone speaks english. The other part of me despises that. I was talking to a friend and I told her what I was struggling with and made a joke about how I wanted a cookie cutter life. She said, "You can't do that, because you would hate it." She's right...I think. I wish I had enough faith to just say to heck with it all and uproot myself and follow the Lord wholeheartedly with no fears or doubts...but, that's just not reality for me at this point. I know I need to graduate, and I'm going to, and on time too, and I know I need to try and get a job and teach a little while and pay off my loans. But, I just think about this and I'm like, God is so much bigger than student loans and He's so much bigger than tenure. I then think to myself, well maybe once I'm married I'll go over there for long term-- and that's an even STUPIDER reason to wait!
I know that I'll be returning, and until then, I will continue to pray and weep with tears of longing and joy for the country the Lord has instilled in me. I realize that I need to make disciples wherever the Lord puts me, and right now, that is here, as a college student.
I was talking to a friend at dinner tonight and they told me, "If you do anything for the cross, there is always a cost." I know this and I am scared of this. I am a worshiper of safety and comfort and security and stability and the thought of sacrificing so much truly does scare me. I am such a sinner for this, and I am very aware of it. I pray the Lord would break me of these fleshly desires. Lately I've been intentionally trying to block of the Holy Spirit- which is pretty much impossible HA! like I can go up against God...but, I've been trying to shut my ears and heart because I am afraid of what He'll ask me to do. That's pathetic, I know. I mean, I'm supposed to be a "Christian" right? Aren't I supposed to want to "live my life for Him because He died for me?" It's so easy to talk about and say, 'oh, I'll do this for the Lord, and I'll go here, and I want to do this mission, ect.,' but it is so hard to actually do and commit to. I am realizing that when I talk about these things that they are actually REAL and not just some catchy churchy Christian phrase I'm repeating.
I pray for a revelation, and I pray for patience until that comes.
