I must decrease...

Today has been a pretty relaxed day. I woke up taught Sam, taught the older english class,and taught the younger english class. I truly enjoy teaching these kids. They are so eager to learn. Today when I was talking to Ream, she was telling me about how the older kids can read and write english, but its conversational language that they struggle with. So, in light of this, which I probably should have figured out on my own, I decided to have them do some reading aloud and talking aloud. After they took turns reading a book about a dinosaur, I asked them to make up their own stories and tell it to the class. There are only about 8 in there, so there is really no pressure. They were nervous at first, hesitant, and kept saying they couldn't do it. I didn't let them slide though because I knew that they were capable of this that they just needed someone to tell them that they could do it. I gave them an example story I made up about a girl who climbed up in a tree. Then it was their turn. To hear the stories they made up were heartbreaking because it reflected so much of their real lives. Almost all of the stories included poverty.

The stories went like this:

One day I went to the market with my friend. We saw a shirt that we wanted to buy. The shirt was too expensive so we were sad. Then, a man came up to us and gave us some money. We were excited and bought the shirt and told the man thank you.

One time I went fishing and I caught a golden fish. He said he would give me anything I wanted. I told him I wanted a new house because my family is poor. The fish said he would give it to me. I went home to my wife and saw the new house and we were happy.

I woke up and went to the market. I saw a chicken cross the street. A car crashed into the chicken and it died.

One day I went to the market to buy something I wanted. I crossed the street and got hit by a car and died. Then the angels came and took me up to heaven where I lived forever and ever.

One time there was a boy who wanted to go to the city because he had never been to the city. He could not go because he was poor. Then he found some money on the ground and he was able to go to the city and buy things he wanted and eat pizza. 

Other stories included talking animals, but all included going to the city and eating pizza. I am assuming pizza is a rare thing for them and that they really enjoy it. Maybe us girls can pitch in and buy a few pizzas for them or buy ingredients to make a pizza. It's just a thought.

The younger kids LOVE being read to. I have probably read almost 7-8 picture books today. I think it is so awesome that they have this longing. It is so important for them if they are going to learn english.

This morning when I was talking to Ream she was telling me a little bit about her family and how luckily only a few of them were murdered in the Khmer Rouge genocide. Kit gave us a lot of books about some of the history with survivor stories in them. It is nauseating to read. I can't fathom that this only happened less than a few decades ago. People are so educated about the Holocaust, but there are so many other tragic genocides that have taken place that people are so unaware of. In fact, I didn't have a clue about the Khmer Rouge until my mom told me about it a few years ago when she was talking about our neighbors. Everyone still living today here has been affected some way or another. It is heartbreaking. At some point we will go to the genocide museum and visit the killing fields. As interested as I am in learning about it, I am also dreading it at the same time.

Tomorrow we are going up to "the mountain" where there are some ancient ruins that are even older than Angkor Wat. One of the orphanage staff's family lives up there and we are going to visit her family. A few of the kids are going with us. I have no idea what this will entail, but I am up for an adventure.

Jessica and Ginny came back from the market yesterday and had some fried bananas I tried. Wow. So delicious. The food here is very good. I have yet to venture into anything that may seem risky but I am working my way there. The children are always coming back from the market with these strange fruits. I try them and they are all SO incredibly sour! There is this little bitty green grape like fruit that tastes so bitter and sour it could burn your tongue! There was one fruit I tried, not sure what it's called, but it was a mixture between a grapefruit and an orange. Best thing I've ever tasted. Cambodians also use the chili sugar/salt stuff, but it was way too spicy for my liking.

Visiting the school and seeing all the needs for improvement and hearing Kit and Ream talk about and dream of the things they want to accomplish only gives me an even deeper desire to look into maybe coming to teach here. It is very easy to talk about, and say, oh, I want to do this, but now that I am here and see the realities of it all and the challenges I will face, it makes me doubt so much. Not doubt because I feel like the Lord is saying no, but doubt because I don't know if I can do this. And, I know it doesn't depend on me. Nothing depends on me. I guess its more of a dread and fear than doubt. I think to myself, Laura can you really handle this? This would be your home. This would be where you lived, where you bought groceries, where you worked. These people would be your community, your neighbors, your friends. Do you really want to do this? Every time we leave the orphanage these thoughts go through my mind. I know its not about what I want and the gospel doesn't call for me to follow my own desires and live an easy non- sacrificial life, but when you have that option, of living in the states with a comfortable job, comfortable house, comfortable family, and comfortable church it is hard to turn down. I don't know what's going to happen. I really don't. But, I do know that my God is a sovereign God and He has a brilliant plan for my life that will be for my good and His glory, whatever that may mean.

I am trying not to think about all of this or worry about the future and just enjoy my time here, but for some reason I can't help but think of what my future will with Cambodia and AGHO. I know when the Lord revealed to me to go that I felt this would only be the beginning. I am starting to doubt that, but in reality, I think I am just trying to convince myself that I can still just live the little happy American dream and be comfortable while still living out the gospel. I know that He calls us to lay down our life for the sake of the gospel and to count it all as lost and that this momentary affliction is nothing compared to the eternal glory we will have in Heaven, but it still doesn't mean I don't have a fleshly struggle. How much am I willing to do? How far am I willing to go? I know that the love God has for me does not change no matter if I am doing missions in a foreign country, or doing mission right in my own back yard, but I do know that He gave His life, and He calls us to do the same.

"For whoever would save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 16:25

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30