Note to self: Don't ever try to take classes and prepare to go across the world at the same time...my mind is so beyond school at this point, I can't even concentrate. My friends are always telling me that I do too much, that I am involved in too much, and that I should take a few things off my plate. They are right. I am thankful for my mother because every once in awhile she will lay down her foot and say, "no, you literally can't do that, TOO." I am glad that she has common sense, something I sometimes lack I guess.
My mom came down to where I'm living last night. We went out to dinner and got to buy some stuff for the trip. I wasn't expecting her, so it was a pleasant surprise. Truly, it never fails, whenever I am with my Mom, we are in stitches laughing and cracking up the whole time! Other people would probably think that the stuff we laugh about isn't funny....but to us, apparently, its hilarious. Haha. Though we had a great time laughing, we also got to talk about some other stuff too, most of it about Cambodia. We were talking about the children at the orphanage and my Mom was relating it to what her and my Dad do volunteering at the Big Oak Ranch. She recalled a children's book titled, "Are You My Mother?" She said she can't help but think of this when she thinks about the children she has come in contact with up at the ranch and the orphans in Cambodia. It really hit me when she said this.
I don't think I am capable of understanding what it would be like if I had no mother and father, sister, or other family. I can't imagine the hole and void that would be in my life. Thinking about this, I have tried to put myself in the shoes of the children of Cambodia without mothers and fathers, who have lost their family, been given up by their family, or their family is in such poverty they had to give them to the orphanage just to help them survive. I can't imagine this. It's heartbreaking to think about. But, with all of this said, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter because the Lord tells us that we have been adopted as sons into His Kingdom! Hallelujah! As it tells us in Romans, Ephesians, and I am sure many other places in scripture.
I am so impatient. I wish this week would already be done so I could just go already! I feel this way about life sometimes too. I have such a deep longing for Heaven!!!!! When I worship in my car, which I do a lot...(it's a special place for me, I guess because its private and I can sing as loud as I want haha), I get so overwhelmed just looking at all of God's creation around me and thinking about the New Heaven and the New Earth and how much better it will be! And all the little boys and girls in Cambodia will not be orphaned, and they will get to sit in the lap of their Savior and worship Him all day! There will be no crying, and no pain, no sickness, no darkness, nothing that can hinder us from being truly fulfilled, made completely new, and completely restored in every way in Christ! It's gonna be so good y'all! I just want to cry thinking about it! I don't know if this is Biblical, but I've heard somewhere that there will be colors in Heaven that we have never seen. I can't comprehend that lol, but I know that the rainbows in Heaven will be much, much prettier. In Revelation, when it is describing all the weird looking animals at the throne of God, I can't help but imagine what they truly will look like Haha so many wings and eyes! Maybe that's a little immature of me...but hey, a girl can wonder! I just can't wait to be right there beside them at the feet of Christ bowing and just shouting with joy about how Holy, Holy, Holy our God is! I can't wait to hear the angels beautiful voices singing to their God! It is going to be so beautiful!
Every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord!
Hope I don't sound too preachy lol. The very last thing I want to do is for people to think that this is about me, because, its not. None of it is. Not ever.
Yesterday, I was in the shower, (haha another special place where I pray and worship alot...weird I know) I was bitter and angry. I told God that I wish He would have called me to somewhere else besides Cambodia like London where a lot of other missionaries from my church are going soon. As I sarcastically said to God, "Sure wish you had called me to a place like that....what about Paris?!" I kept thinking, it would be so much easier and they speak english in London and its not as far away and it isn't scorching hot, and they have real bathrooms and they don't eat bugs, and there is less disease..... As I kept complaining, I heard the Holy Spirit in my heart reprimand me and say, "Be thankful, you'll see." I am very, very, embarrassed to even be honest about these feelings I've been experiencing. It's selfish, prideful, and sinful. How dare I question God's calling! How dare I wish for what seems easier to me! How dare I not be content with what the Lord has for me! How dare I even have these selfish, fleshly thoughts! How dare I not be filled with thanksgiving for all the Lord has done! I confess and repent of this with a heavy heart.
People have kept saying to me, "you're so brave!" All I can do is laugh when they say this because I am anything but brave! I wish they could understand when I say this, but I don't really know how to convey it into meaning. I am very nervous, and very scared, but at the same time, I know that the Lord is faithful and His plan never fails and that He will be with me, He will never leave me or forsake me, and that He has gone before me and prepared the way. There are some people, the ones who keep telling me I'm brave, who have been placed in my life for a short period of time, and I have done my best to try and show them Christ, but I know I need to do more. I need to be more bold about my faith, and quit beating around the bush and saying things like, "Well, in my beliefs....." No! I should precede with, "Well, since I am a Christ follower and believe in the power of a Holy, Just, and Merciful God who has given us the opportunity to be free from sin and death through the sacrificing of His son on a cross, all because He loves you and has a perfect plan for your life that will be for your good and His glory....." But instead, I have not done this. I confess and repent of this as well. The things I have said to them have been so vague and could be interpreted into "positive thinking," rather than the fact that our identity is in Christ and it is by His power that we are able. This morning, when I was eatin' my good old Frosted Mini Wheats (my fav), and gettin' in the word a little on my handy dandy Bible app ( which I love love love), the Lord gave me a deep sense of eagerness and revealed scripture to me that let me know that I was going to have to defend my faith today and tell them about Him!!! The Lord definitely did what He said He would do, and it was very obvious the open opportunities He gave me today to talk about Christ. However, I still feel as if I censored myself a little. What is wrong with me?! I have been commanded to tell people of the Lord's saving grace and His gift of the Gospel; if I can't do that whole heatedly here in the U.S.A. on a college campus without hesitation, what makes me think I can do it in Cambodia speaking Khmer? But, that's the thing, I can't. God can! Holy Spirit move!
I pray that the Lord would give me more opportunities this next week to share with these people the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. His will, His way.
Please, please, continue to be in prayer for me, the orphanage, Kit and Ream, the other missionaries (Jessica, Alissa and Ginny,) and Cambodia as lost nation!
It's almost here,
Laura :)
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