Battles

Sometimes I feel like a failure. Today has been one of those days unfortunately. I am always in the need of being reminded that the love Christ has for me does not, and will never, depend on my daily "Christian performance."

I am just gonna be honest and real. I am very nervous and scared about Cambodia. I do think about the wonderful things that I know the Lord will do there, but I do think about the bad stuff too. I have many fears of many things that I can't even put into words. They aren't even legitimate fears it seems. I think when it boils down to it that I have a fear of not doing what the Lord wants me to do. I have a fear that I will fail Him. That I will hate what He has called me to do and resent Him for it. I do not want this to happen. I want to bring God glory in every way possible! I want to be obedient to what He has called me to do. I want to do it fearlessly and with confidence....but, I realize that that isn't what the Lord wants from me at all! He wants me to be weak, so that I can find strength in Him. He wants me to be humbled so that He will shine and I will stand in the background. He wants me to trust Him no matter what comes my way. He wants me to show His love the way He has shown me love.

I have been asking myself...why do I need to go to this orphanage anyway? Will it even matter? Will it even make a difference?  And, my honest answer is I don't know. When He told me to go, He didn't say why. He just said "go work with the orphans." The only thing I know is that He wants me there. There are so many things the Lord has yet to reveal to me, but at the same time, He has revealed so much. He didn't tell me why, but He shouldn't have to. I have a desire to be obedient to Him and what I know He told me to do, but I didn't know it would be like this. If you could spend just a day in my head you would see what I'm talking about. There is a constant battle of flesh and spirit and I can honestly say, I have never been through anything like this before.

For the class I'm taking right now, I had to read a book about an Asian orphan...haha no coincidence. It's funny how God does that all the time. I guess its just another way that He is preparing me.

Please, if you are reading this blog, let me know! I can see how many views it gets a day...but I want to know who you are! Also, to be totally honest and transparent, I could use some encouragement and prayer! I am so thankful for the Body of Christ, and I'll tell you now, I need y'all!

Praise the One who paid my debt!

Laura