Wow. What a year 2012 has been! It was in January, 12 months ago, that the Lord placed Cambodia on my heart. I was shocked, scared, and thought I was going crazy. Little did I know the joy that would come with following the Lord's command.
This year has brought upon so many changes, probably the most changes I've experienced in my lifetime. And, even so, there are many more to come with 2013. I have gained so much and been truly blessed by the Body of Christ at both of the churches I attend, one at home, and one when I'm at school. I have never seen others so confident in something that I was doubtful of, but with Christ, all things are possible.
I would have to say that being able to fulfill what the Lord asked of me is quite rewarding. This is NOT to say that it has been easy, in fact I would say it was harder than ever. My faith has been stretched to a point I never thought it would be. I think back to my short time in Cambodia and what an impact it made on my life and how the Lord showed me so much through the children at AGHO.
I have such a desire and longing to be back there with my arms wrapped around those children. They are all so brave and I know that the Lord is preparing them to help a new generation in Cambodia rise up to defeat the enemy and bring joy back to this country.
I pray I will be able to return this summer. I also pray that the Lord would make it clear to me on what I should do next with this task He has given me. Please pray :)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Our GREAT God is doing GREAT things!!!
There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about all the kids at AGHO. I miss them so much. I can't wait to be able to send them all of these books that the Body of Christ have so willingly given! This is so incredible! I have so many people to thank. The list is endless.
Big things are coming for AGHO. Potters Field Ministries are now partnering with AGHO and new building plans are in sight! As of now, I am aware that they will be building them a new school that will provide kindergarten through high school! The older kids no longer have to go to the incompetent public schools! I am sure they are so excited about this! This is paving the way for so much more to come! Praise Jesus! The Lord just blows my mind sometimes.
Back in January, I had no idea that the Lord was going to do such amazing things in Cambodia. He has opened up a whole new world to me and I am SO incredibly blessed because of it. Every person I talk to, every sermon I hear, are all saying the same thing, and that is that I should follow what the Lord is telling me to do. It's really a scary thought because my plans were to just finish college and get a teaching job. Part of me realllllly wants to do that, and that isn't a bad thing. The other part of me is so desperate to be back there it is killing me. I wish I could just graduate in May and say peace out, but in some aspects I think maybe I am just trying to run away from the "grown up world" and getting a real job. I mean no one ever wants to grow up! Either way, I am not ready for any of this yet.
I am so glad that our Lord is gracious and merciful and that there is no such thing as a "perfect" Christian, because I am so far from it. I have constantly been reminded lately that my righteousness has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Him. There is nothing I can do to have God love me more or less. There is nothing I can do to be made "good" or "better" in His eyes, or "worse". What a relief. I am so glad for this truth.
I heard a friend speak at our college service the other night and one thing he said really hit me. He said something along the lines of,"How many days do we get up and go on with our routines and lives ignoring the fact that Jesus is sitting right at the foot of the bed wanting to commune with us?" It's so true. I do this way, WAY too often. I am so convicted of this here recently. One of my close friends is pretty much addicted to the Bible. She's in it literally hours upon hours daily. How I wish I was blessed with that desire. She told me that "when we neglect God's Word, we shouldn't feel guilty, but thirsty." Yep, that hits the nail on the head! But what about when we're not thirsty? One of my pastors said, "discipline turns into desire," but that's not easy. Nothing ever really is.
Big things are coming for AGHO. Potters Field Ministries are now partnering with AGHO and new building plans are in sight! As of now, I am aware that they will be building them a new school that will provide kindergarten through high school! The older kids no longer have to go to the incompetent public schools! I am sure they are so excited about this! This is paving the way for so much more to come! Praise Jesus! The Lord just blows my mind sometimes.
Back in January, I had no idea that the Lord was going to do such amazing things in Cambodia. He has opened up a whole new world to me and I am SO incredibly blessed because of it. Every person I talk to, every sermon I hear, are all saying the same thing, and that is that I should follow what the Lord is telling me to do. It's really a scary thought because my plans were to just finish college and get a teaching job. Part of me realllllly wants to do that, and that isn't a bad thing. The other part of me is so desperate to be back there it is killing me. I wish I could just graduate in May and say peace out, but in some aspects I think maybe I am just trying to run away from the "grown up world" and getting a real job. I mean no one ever wants to grow up! Either way, I am not ready for any of this yet.
I am so glad that our Lord is gracious and merciful and that there is no such thing as a "perfect" Christian, because I am so far from it. I have constantly been reminded lately that my righteousness has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Him. There is nothing I can do to have God love me more or less. There is nothing I can do to be made "good" or "better" in His eyes, or "worse". What a relief. I am so glad for this truth.
I heard a friend speak at our college service the other night and one thing he said really hit me. He said something along the lines of,"How many days do we get up and go on with our routines and lives ignoring the fact that Jesus is sitting right at the foot of the bed wanting to commune with us?" It's so true. I do this way, WAY too often. I am so convicted of this here recently. One of my close friends is pretty much addicted to the Bible. She's in it literally hours upon hours daily. How I wish I was blessed with that desire. She told me that "when we neglect God's Word, we shouldn't feel guilty, but thirsty." Yep, that hits the nail on the head! But what about when we're not thirsty? One of my pastors said, "discipline turns into desire," but that's not easy. Nothing ever really is.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Angels
Things are in full swing with the AGHO Christmas Angel Project! I cannot thank people enough for their interest and servanthood in this! It's crazy how God has given other people a heart for these kids and they don't even know them! I try to be sort of anonymous on this thing since it is public on the internet, but I would like to personally thank a special person who God has opened her spirit to love these children. She is such an amazing, godly, woman, and I am so glad to be able to call her mentor and friend. She has been behind this mission since the beginning and I have so much to thank her for. It brings me so much joy to say that I am apart of a Body of Christ who loves what God loves. Those children are such precious angels and I miss them everyday. I got to chat with Ginny over lunch for the first time since she got back and it was quite refreshing. We can't wait to go back!
In some of my previous posts, I've talked a lot about Heaven, but right now thinking about Heaven is something totally different. My grandmother passed away yesterday. She raised all of us. Literally. We all called her Gaga. Funny name, but there is none like her. You can thank my oldest cousin for choosing that one, and I'm glad she did. It is so weird to think about death. I've never really had anyone close to me die before, so this is definitely a wake up call. But, what is really strange to me is that my Gaga has accomplished what we are all waiting and yearning for. She made it! Finally, she has fulfilled her purpose and is with Jesus. Yes, of course, I am sad because I will miss her, but I am rejoicing that she is with Jesus. It doesn't even make sense to me that we mourn over people when they pass on. I mean isn't that the whole reason we are living? To finally be able to leave this place and go home? I day dream about finally being in Heaven with my Savior and I am so happy for her that she is finally there! I can imagine she is playing a huge golden organ for all the angels and beings worshipping at God's throne. I know she will have them entertained with her playing. No one is gonna get bored, that's for sure.
My mom jokes around and says we should nominate her for sainthood. We laugh and joke about it, but really she would definitely qualify. She is the most loving, serving, God fearing woman I have ever known. I aim to be as she was. How lucky I am to have had such an example of what being a godly woman means. I am so thankful for my Gaga and I can just imagine her singing and rejoicing with the angels. It is such a beautiful scene in my thoughts. I know she is loving it there.
She was able to actually read some of these posts that my family printed out for her while I was in Cambodia. She was telling me how she enjoyed reading them. I always talk about Cambodia, she would say she didn't want me to go back, but I know that's only because she is worried about my safety. If anything, I know she wants me to fulfill what I feel the Lord has called me to, and whatever that means doing, I will do.
I don't really know if people are aware of what happens on earth once their soul is in Heaven. But, if she is aware, I want her to look down upon me with the angels and be proud of me. It's going to be weird not seeing her, but I know one day I will.
Romans 8:25
In some of my previous posts, I've talked a lot about Heaven, but right now thinking about Heaven is something totally different. My grandmother passed away yesterday. She raised all of us. Literally. We all called her Gaga. Funny name, but there is none like her. You can thank my oldest cousin for choosing that one, and I'm glad she did. It is so weird to think about death. I've never really had anyone close to me die before, so this is definitely a wake up call. But, what is really strange to me is that my Gaga has accomplished what we are all waiting and yearning for. She made it! Finally, she has fulfilled her purpose and is with Jesus. Yes, of course, I am sad because I will miss her, but I am rejoicing that she is with Jesus. It doesn't even make sense to me that we mourn over people when they pass on. I mean isn't that the whole reason we are living? To finally be able to leave this place and go home? I day dream about finally being in Heaven with my Savior and I am so happy for her that she is finally there! I can imagine she is playing a huge golden organ for all the angels and beings worshipping at God's throne. I know she will have them entertained with her playing. No one is gonna get bored, that's for sure.
My mom jokes around and says we should nominate her for sainthood. We laugh and joke about it, but really she would definitely qualify. She is the most loving, serving, God fearing woman I have ever known. I aim to be as she was. How lucky I am to have had such an example of what being a godly woman means. I am so thankful for my Gaga and I can just imagine her singing and rejoicing with the angels. It is such a beautiful scene in my thoughts. I know she is loving it there.
She was able to actually read some of these posts that my family printed out for her while I was in Cambodia. She was telling me how she enjoyed reading them. I always talk about Cambodia, she would say she didn't want me to go back, but I know that's only because she is worried about my safety. If anything, I know she wants me to fulfill what I feel the Lord has called me to, and whatever that means doing, I will do.
I don't really know if people are aware of what happens on earth once their soul is in Heaven. But, if she is aware, I want her to look down upon me with the angels and be proud of me. It's going to be weird not seeing her, but I know one day I will.
Romans 8:25
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The Long Road
Wow. I can't even describe to you the longing I have to be with those children in Cambodia right now. I can't stop thinking about them. I dream about them every night. I can't help but cry. This is such a strange thing for me. I feel like I'm just being over dramatic, but I really am heartbroken right now. I literally have a sick feeling in my chest of just longing and emptiness. Everything I look at reminds me of something to do with Cambodia. I promise you I probably talk about Cambodia and those kids at least ten times a day.
I know I'll be going back. There is really no doubt of that it seems, but I just don't know when. It would be a dream come true if I could go back in December for Christmas, but I know that is not a very realistic thing.
Talk about a battle between flesh and spirit, man, I feel like two whole different people right now haha. Part of me can't wait to get my own little classroom at a little school and have my nice little life, go to a nice little church and have a nice little family all while staying in the comforts of the United States in Alabama where I'm close to my mom, dad, and sister, and everyone speaks english. The other part of me despises that. I was talking to a friend and I told her what I was struggling with and made a joke about how I wanted a cookie cutter life. She said, "You can't do that, because you would hate it." She's right...I think. I wish I had enough faith to just say to heck with it all and uproot myself and follow the Lord wholeheartedly with no fears or doubts...but, that's just not reality for me at this point. I know I need to graduate, and I'm going to, and on time too, and I know I need to try and get a job and teach a little while and pay off my loans. But, I just think about this and I'm like, God is so much bigger than student loans and He's so much bigger than tenure. I then think to myself, well maybe once I'm married I'll go over there for long term-- and that's an even STUPIDER reason to wait!
I know that I'll be returning, and until then, I will continue to pray and weep with tears of longing and joy for the country the Lord has instilled in me. I realize that I need to make disciples wherever the Lord puts me, and right now, that is here, as a college student.
I was talking to a friend at dinner tonight and they told me, "If you do anything for the cross, there is always a cost." I know this and I am scared of this. I am a worshiper of safety and comfort and security and stability and the thought of sacrificing so much truly does scare me. I am such a sinner for this, and I am very aware of it. I pray the Lord would break me of these fleshly desires. Lately I've been intentionally trying to block of the Holy Spirit- which is pretty much impossible HA! like I can go up against God...but, I've been trying to shut my ears and heart because I am afraid of what He'll ask me to do. That's pathetic, I know. I mean, I'm supposed to be a "Christian" right? Aren't I supposed to want to "live my life for Him because He died for me?" It's so easy to talk about and say, 'oh, I'll do this for the Lord, and I'll go here, and I want to do this mission, ect.,' but it is so hard to actually do and commit to. I am realizing that when I talk about these things that they are actually REAL and not just some catchy churchy Christian phrase I'm repeating.
I pray for a revelation, and I pray for patience until that comes.
I know I'll be going back. There is really no doubt of that it seems, but I just don't know when. It would be a dream come true if I could go back in December for Christmas, but I know that is not a very realistic thing.
Talk about a battle between flesh and spirit, man, I feel like two whole different people right now haha. Part of me can't wait to get my own little classroom at a little school and have my nice little life, go to a nice little church and have a nice little family all while staying in the comforts of the United States in Alabama where I'm close to my mom, dad, and sister, and everyone speaks english. The other part of me despises that. I was talking to a friend and I told her what I was struggling with and made a joke about how I wanted a cookie cutter life. She said, "You can't do that, because you would hate it." She's right...I think. I wish I had enough faith to just say to heck with it all and uproot myself and follow the Lord wholeheartedly with no fears or doubts...but, that's just not reality for me at this point. I know I need to graduate, and I'm going to, and on time too, and I know I need to try and get a job and teach a little while and pay off my loans. But, I just think about this and I'm like, God is so much bigger than student loans and He's so much bigger than tenure. I then think to myself, well maybe once I'm married I'll go over there for long term-- and that's an even STUPIDER reason to wait!
I know that I'll be returning, and until then, I will continue to pray and weep with tears of longing and joy for the country the Lord has instilled in me. I realize that I need to make disciples wherever the Lord puts me, and right now, that is here, as a college student.
I was talking to a friend at dinner tonight and they told me, "If you do anything for the cross, there is always a cost." I know this and I am scared of this. I am a worshiper of safety and comfort and security and stability and the thought of sacrificing so much truly does scare me. I am such a sinner for this, and I am very aware of it. I pray the Lord would break me of these fleshly desires. Lately I've been intentionally trying to block of the Holy Spirit- which is pretty much impossible HA! like I can go up against God...but, I've been trying to shut my ears and heart because I am afraid of what He'll ask me to do. That's pathetic, I know. I mean, I'm supposed to be a "Christian" right? Aren't I supposed to want to "live my life for Him because He died for me?" It's so easy to talk about and say, 'oh, I'll do this for the Lord, and I'll go here, and I want to do this mission, ect.,' but it is so hard to actually do and commit to. I am realizing that when I talk about these things that they are actually REAL and not just some catchy churchy Christian phrase I'm repeating.
I pray for a revelation, and I pray for patience until that comes.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The end and the beginning
I am home now and pretty much half way settled into my dorm at school. Everything has been so crazy and hectic it feels like. The flights back went well and I was glad to see my parents when they picked me up in Atlanta. We went for IHOP after that which was a real treat. The second day of school is today and I feel like my head is on backwards. I haven't had time to process everything that's happened and I can definitely tell I am holding back so many emotions. Sunday I got to go to TCASC and see my college friends. I wasn't really able to say hello to anyone else at church though because after the service everything kind of hit me all at once and I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Luckily, I have awesome friends who are always there for me who helped me make a quick getaway without causing a scene haha. During the service some missionaries shared their testimonies and included a story about working with some orphans. This is what really got me I think, and the fact that I was just so overwhelmed by being able to attend corporate worship again! I just lost it and the tears wouldn't stop. I don't even really know why I was crying, but I knew I couldn't stop thinking about those precious children at AGHO. I don't know why I won't let myself just cry over missing them and longing to be back with them, but I guess maybe its just a coping mechanism. I keep having these horrible dreams that I am just convulsively sobbing but have still yet to let myself feel my emotions completely.
I am definitely still coping with jet-lag. Its kind of ridiculous actually. Yesterday I slept from 3pm to 11 at night, and then still slept through the night. I don't know what it will take to get back on a regular schedule. I feel like I am just m.i.a. right now. I am kind of mad at myself because I feel like I should be going out and trying to meet new people and freshmen and tell them about Ecclesia and Christ, but I just literally haven't been able to. It's weird for me because normally I am all over the place all the time, but these past two days I have really only been able to take care of myself. And, I understand that there is nothing wrong with that, but I still feel bad.
God is so good y'all. I really don't know what my future with Cambodia holds, but I know there is one. I wasn't expecting for God to reveal it to me when I went, and I am happy to just wait and be patient until He shows me what is next. I know I want to return to AGHO, but since I will be graduating and hopefully be starting a job next fall, I will need to be preparing my classroom during July, and it so happens to really be the only available time for me to go back as soon as I can. Who knows? Maybe I won't get a job and I'll be able to go back and stay for awhile (not that I don't want to get a teaching job, because I do!) I really don't know. I truly have no idea what is to come and I am just going to trust in God's sovereign plan for my life. I know He is looking out for those little angels in Cambodia, and that He is looking out for me as I start my senior year. I pray that the Lord would be able to use me this year to spread His name in whatever way that way may be. I want to live my life for Him, but this isn't to say I won't mess up or stumble, because I will. I am so thankful for His grace and mercy that are new every day. He is so great and I pray that the Lord would give me opportunities daily so show His love and share the Gospel with those around me.
Thank you everyone for praying for me and supporting me! I literally am in awe of how the Lord has used the Body of Christ to help me on this journey that has only just begun!
I am definitely still coping with jet-lag. Its kind of ridiculous actually. Yesterday I slept from 3pm to 11 at night, and then still slept through the night. I don't know what it will take to get back on a regular schedule. I feel like I am just m.i.a. right now. I am kind of mad at myself because I feel like I should be going out and trying to meet new people and freshmen and tell them about Ecclesia and Christ, but I just literally haven't been able to. It's weird for me because normally I am all over the place all the time, but these past two days I have really only been able to take care of myself. And, I understand that there is nothing wrong with that, but I still feel bad.
God is so good y'all. I really don't know what my future with Cambodia holds, but I know there is one. I wasn't expecting for God to reveal it to me when I went, and I am happy to just wait and be patient until He shows me what is next. I know I want to return to AGHO, but since I will be graduating and hopefully be starting a job next fall, I will need to be preparing my classroom during July, and it so happens to really be the only available time for me to go back as soon as I can. Who knows? Maybe I won't get a job and I'll be able to go back and stay for awhile (not that I don't want to get a teaching job, because I do!) I really don't know. I truly have no idea what is to come and I am just going to trust in God's sovereign plan for my life. I know He is looking out for those little angels in Cambodia, and that He is looking out for me as I start my senior year. I pray that the Lord would be able to use me this year to spread His name in whatever way that way may be. I want to live my life for Him, but this isn't to say I won't mess up or stumble, because I will. I am so thankful for His grace and mercy that are new every day. He is so great and I pray that the Lord would give me opportunities daily so show His love and share the Gospel with those around me.
Thank you everyone for praying for me and supporting me! I literally am in awe of how the Lord has used the Body of Christ to help me on this journey that has only just begun!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Temples, Idols, and Elephants
We went to see the temples one day and they were absolutely breathe taking. I admit, I do not know too much about the temples at all and haven't done any research on them. As I was exploring them, I could have kicked myself because I wish I would have learned more about them before I came. I spent more time researching other things about Cambodia such as the genocide, their culture, and the language. I didn't really anticipate to even visit the temples, but I am glad I got to.
We stayed in a hotel in Siem Reap and woke up the next morning to go to Angkor Wat. We took a tuk-tuk, which is always fun. I thought that there was just one temple or a few temples and that the whole thing was called "Angkor Wat," but no, this is the name of only one of the temples, the most famous and most visited. We visited about 5 temples. There are about 200. I can't remember the names of all of them, but I do know they were breath taking. These temples were so huge! I cannot fathom how people built these with such intricate detail and architectural work with no modern technology. The temples were so tall, and you could get lost very, very easily. There were tons of hallways and towers and stairwell, and courtyards. There were also many, many, idols. I still get the creeps just thinking about it. I literally cannot describe to you the feeling I get looking into one of the faces of these statues. Though I am not afraid, because I know the demonic spirits actually being worshiped have no power over me, I still can feel such a sense of evil. It makes me very uneasy looking at the statues, especially the larger ones. These people are in such deceit. If there is a type of feeling I could describe about looking at the statues, it is a feeling of mockery and deceit. It makes me angry that these people have been tricked into believing that their religion is true. I haven't really thought about it like this before, but there is a spiritual aspect to their religion. They do experience spiritual encounters or whatever you want to call it, but these spirits are evil, demonic, spirits. That is what freaks me out. We don't often think about that in the U.S.- evil spirits lurking around and possessions, and when we do it is when we watch a scary movie or around Halloween time, but evil is real. There are evil spirits and there is a real, literal, Satan. I am always reminded of this when I read scriptures that talk about how we are fighting things we cannot see and there is a spiritual battle. Its easy to just focus on the good things about Christianity, but we also have to remember that evil is still present and that Satan has dominion on our Earth. Yes, God is still sovereign and in control, but Satan also has power to destroy and corrupt. I hate admitting that, but its not like we can just pretend that there is no evil, no Satan, and no hell, because there is a Hell and lost souls are there and will go there. I hate that. I hate that SO MUCH! As much as I wish it weren't true, it would be hypocritical of me to claim Christ and the Bible and also say, "well, I believe that this part of the Bible is true, but not that part." There are things in the Bible I wish were not there. There are things that upset me and things I don't understand. I have done much, much reading and studying on topics such as these and the only conclusion I can come to is that God's ways are higher than our ways. What we think is justice isn't the same as what God thinks is justice. To compare what we think should happen, to what God has planned and does, is a joke. As if we know best!? He's the King of the Universe, I think He knows what He's doing!
It is an insult to think that these temples and statues are built to glorify evil. I can't stand that! This only gives me a sense of urgency to proclaim the gospel, not only in Cambodia, but here, in my everyday life. We can't just assume that because we live out the gospel with our actions that people will just come up to us and ask us why we are the way we are and you will automatically have an open door to share the gospel. While living out the gospel with actions is essential, it is also essential that we verbally proclaim Christ! That's like a boy in love with a girl who never tells her. Is she just supposed to know by the way he acts around her? No. I mean, we've seen it in all the movies haha. We must proclaim the gospel with EVERY aspect of our lives! I admit, this is SO hard. I admit, I struggle with this almost daily. If we didn't struggle with doing good and living like Christ, then we would be Christ, and we definitely know that's not true. What we must realize is that there is always an open door. There is an open door because Christ opened it. We must take our Christian lives seriously and take the fact that Hell exists and that people's souls will suffer there if they do not know their Savior, seriously. Hell isn't a popular topic to talk about, and especially in church....what's wrong with that picture?....but we can't avoid truth. We can't just avoid something because we don't like it. And, trust me, its very easy to do.
I was not anticipating to get on this rant, but all of this is not to say that we should focus on Satan, and evil, and Hell, but to let the fact that it is real, fuel our eagerness to want to live like Christ and show His love in action and in word. And, this is DEFINITELY not to say that we should preach a "Turn or Burn" mindset or preach about the realities of Hell to "scare people into Heaven." This is not the Gospel, and if we are "saved" because we are afraid of Hell, our salvation is void. But, instead, we must focus on the goodness of Christ and the satisfaction He brings to our lives. He is the Living Water and our souls are forever thirsty for Him! Think about it this way, if Christ weren't in Heaven, would you still want to be there?
Anyways, the temples were really cool and we even got to go in the one where they filmed the movie Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie. It was an awesome experience. One thing that was difficult for me was the fact that some of the temples had extremely, long, high, steep stair cases. I have a fear of heights and this was very, very hard for me to deal with. At first, I just wasn't going to go up into the other parts of the temple, but just because I am afraid of something, doesn't mean I won't do it. I was shaking the whole time and clinging to the side of the thin rail all the way up. I admit, I felt accomplished when I got up to the top of the first stair case. I didn't think about the fact that I had to go down. I really couldn't even enjoy the time I had at the top because I was dreading the way back down those stairs. I have pictures, and I will post them, because this was NOT your average staircase! When it was time to go down, I literally thought I was going to throw up. I didn't which was good. The way down was worse than the way up. I felt like I was going to fall at any moment. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but luckily did not. When I finally got off of the stairwell from my nightmares, I felt so dizzy, and just sat down and closed my eyes and then the tears started to come. We sat for about ten minutes and then moved on to the next temples. I had no idea that there were many more stairs like these, and that they were steeper, higher, and scarier! When we came to the next temple and I saw the stairs, I almost didn't go, but I decided to anyways, heck, I did it once, I can do it again. I thought it wouldn't be as hard since I had done it already....but no, it was just as scary, and I freaked out just as much. The steepest and longest one was at a smaller temple but one that was very, very, high. I did manage to climb up and down it, but again, it was still horrible. My heart was beating so fast, before, during, and after the climb. I am proud that I did it, but I still don't know if it was worth going through that over and over haha. I admit, I am a total scardy cat! I get very afraid of little things, but still always do them. It's kind of ironic actually haha.
After a few temples, we ate lunch and took a little break. It was then that we made a definite decision about the elephants. Yes, elephants, and whether to ride one or not. I know that Ginny had heard about it and really wanted to do it, but I was still on the fence. When we saw the elephants though, I knew that I just had to do it! I mean, who can say that they've ridden an elephant before? This is a once in a life time opportunity. As like before with the stairs, I was a little afraid of this. Our elephant's name was Sophie. She was about 40 years old, and beautiful. There is a huge platform you have to walk up in order to climb onto the elephant. The elephant has a cloth over her back, and attached is a wooden seat supported by wooden stilts that nicely fit her back. Ginny, Yong, and I all rode together. It was unreal. I kept thinking to myself, is this real? Am I literally riding an elephant in Cambodia right now? We rode for about 20 minutes around the temples and when we got off we were able to pet Sophie. She was so sweet. They are truly smart animals. Her eyes were beautiful. Just looking into them I swear I could see her soul. I don't know if animals have souls or if they go to Heaven, but I'd like to think so. And, if they do, I know Sophie will be there. I mean...think about it....it was the Fall of Man not the fall of the animals too?! Right??? This may be a stretch, but hey, Jesus does comes back on a horse so there's still hope! Haha
By the end of the day we were all pretty tired and were craving some American food. Luckily, Siem Reap is a touristy town and there were tons of white people there. It was more common to see a white person on the street than a Cambodian. Because of this, there were lots of restaurants with western food. We decided on Mexican....kind of ironic that we classify that as American haha. It was really good. I had already gotten in the mind set of coming home, and I could tell I was truly tired of Khmer food. Though the Khmer food was delicious, it always seemed to make my stomach a little upset. It was pretty much like this the entire trip every other day. The other girls experienced a little bit of it too. The funny thing was though, the night I was the sickest, was the night we had pizza and french fries with salad and coke in Phnom Phen. How ironic!? I think it was because I was so used to eating fresh, non chemical, organic meats and vegetables that something the slightest processed just through me off.
I'll finish up with the end of the trip in my next post.
Love,
Laura
We stayed in a hotel in Siem Reap and woke up the next morning to go to Angkor Wat. We took a tuk-tuk, which is always fun. I thought that there was just one temple or a few temples and that the whole thing was called "Angkor Wat," but no, this is the name of only one of the temples, the most famous and most visited. We visited about 5 temples. There are about 200. I can't remember the names of all of them, but I do know they were breath taking. These temples were so huge! I cannot fathom how people built these with such intricate detail and architectural work with no modern technology. The temples were so tall, and you could get lost very, very easily. There were tons of hallways and towers and stairwell, and courtyards. There were also many, many, idols. I still get the creeps just thinking about it. I literally cannot describe to you the feeling I get looking into one of the faces of these statues. Though I am not afraid, because I know the demonic spirits actually being worshiped have no power over me, I still can feel such a sense of evil. It makes me very uneasy looking at the statues, especially the larger ones. These people are in such deceit. If there is a type of feeling I could describe about looking at the statues, it is a feeling of mockery and deceit. It makes me angry that these people have been tricked into believing that their religion is true. I haven't really thought about it like this before, but there is a spiritual aspect to their religion. They do experience spiritual encounters or whatever you want to call it, but these spirits are evil, demonic, spirits. That is what freaks me out. We don't often think about that in the U.S.- evil spirits lurking around and possessions, and when we do it is when we watch a scary movie or around Halloween time, but evil is real. There are evil spirits and there is a real, literal, Satan. I am always reminded of this when I read scriptures that talk about how we are fighting things we cannot see and there is a spiritual battle. Its easy to just focus on the good things about Christianity, but we also have to remember that evil is still present and that Satan has dominion on our Earth. Yes, God is still sovereign and in control, but Satan also has power to destroy and corrupt. I hate admitting that, but its not like we can just pretend that there is no evil, no Satan, and no hell, because there is a Hell and lost souls are there and will go there. I hate that. I hate that SO MUCH! As much as I wish it weren't true, it would be hypocritical of me to claim Christ and the Bible and also say, "well, I believe that this part of the Bible is true, but not that part." There are things in the Bible I wish were not there. There are things that upset me and things I don't understand. I have done much, much reading and studying on topics such as these and the only conclusion I can come to is that God's ways are higher than our ways. What we think is justice isn't the same as what God thinks is justice. To compare what we think should happen, to what God has planned and does, is a joke. As if we know best!? He's the King of the Universe, I think He knows what He's doing!
It is an insult to think that these temples and statues are built to glorify evil. I can't stand that! This only gives me a sense of urgency to proclaim the gospel, not only in Cambodia, but here, in my everyday life. We can't just assume that because we live out the gospel with our actions that people will just come up to us and ask us why we are the way we are and you will automatically have an open door to share the gospel. While living out the gospel with actions is essential, it is also essential that we verbally proclaim Christ! That's like a boy in love with a girl who never tells her. Is she just supposed to know by the way he acts around her? No. I mean, we've seen it in all the movies haha. We must proclaim the gospel with EVERY aspect of our lives! I admit, this is SO hard. I admit, I struggle with this almost daily. If we didn't struggle with doing good and living like Christ, then we would be Christ, and we definitely know that's not true. What we must realize is that there is always an open door. There is an open door because Christ opened it. We must take our Christian lives seriously and take the fact that Hell exists and that people's souls will suffer there if they do not know their Savior, seriously. Hell isn't a popular topic to talk about, and especially in church....what's wrong with that picture?....but we can't avoid truth. We can't just avoid something because we don't like it. And, trust me, its very easy to do.
I was not anticipating to get on this rant, but all of this is not to say that we should focus on Satan, and evil, and Hell, but to let the fact that it is real, fuel our eagerness to want to live like Christ and show His love in action and in word. And, this is DEFINITELY not to say that we should preach a "Turn or Burn" mindset or preach about the realities of Hell to "scare people into Heaven." This is not the Gospel, and if we are "saved" because we are afraid of Hell, our salvation is void. But, instead, we must focus on the goodness of Christ and the satisfaction He brings to our lives. He is the Living Water and our souls are forever thirsty for Him! Think about it this way, if Christ weren't in Heaven, would you still want to be there?
Anyways, the temples were really cool and we even got to go in the one where they filmed the movie Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie. It was an awesome experience. One thing that was difficult for me was the fact that some of the temples had extremely, long, high, steep stair cases. I have a fear of heights and this was very, very hard for me to deal with. At first, I just wasn't going to go up into the other parts of the temple, but just because I am afraid of something, doesn't mean I won't do it. I was shaking the whole time and clinging to the side of the thin rail all the way up. I admit, I felt accomplished when I got up to the top of the first stair case. I didn't think about the fact that I had to go down. I really couldn't even enjoy the time I had at the top because I was dreading the way back down those stairs. I have pictures, and I will post them, because this was NOT your average staircase! When it was time to go down, I literally thought I was going to throw up. I didn't which was good. The way down was worse than the way up. I felt like I was going to fall at any moment. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, but luckily did not. When I finally got off of the stairwell from my nightmares, I felt so dizzy, and just sat down and closed my eyes and then the tears started to come. We sat for about ten minutes and then moved on to the next temples. I had no idea that there were many more stairs like these, and that they were steeper, higher, and scarier! When we came to the next temple and I saw the stairs, I almost didn't go, but I decided to anyways, heck, I did it once, I can do it again. I thought it wouldn't be as hard since I had done it already....but no, it was just as scary, and I freaked out just as much. The steepest and longest one was at a smaller temple but one that was very, very, high. I did manage to climb up and down it, but again, it was still horrible. My heart was beating so fast, before, during, and after the climb. I am proud that I did it, but I still don't know if it was worth going through that over and over haha. I admit, I am a total scardy cat! I get very afraid of little things, but still always do them. It's kind of ironic actually haha.
After a few temples, we ate lunch and took a little break. It was then that we made a definite decision about the elephants. Yes, elephants, and whether to ride one or not. I know that Ginny had heard about it and really wanted to do it, but I was still on the fence. When we saw the elephants though, I knew that I just had to do it! I mean, who can say that they've ridden an elephant before? This is a once in a life time opportunity. As like before with the stairs, I was a little afraid of this. Our elephant's name was Sophie. She was about 40 years old, and beautiful. There is a huge platform you have to walk up in order to climb onto the elephant. The elephant has a cloth over her back, and attached is a wooden seat supported by wooden stilts that nicely fit her back. Ginny, Yong, and I all rode together. It was unreal. I kept thinking to myself, is this real? Am I literally riding an elephant in Cambodia right now? We rode for about 20 minutes around the temples and when we got off we were able to pet Sophie. She was so sweet. They are truly smart animals. Her eyes were beautiful. Just looking into them I swear I could see her soul. I don't know if animals have souls or if they go to Heaven, but I'd like to think so. And, if they do, I know Sophie will be there. I mean...think about it....it was the Fall of Man not the fall of the animals too?! Right??? This may be a stretch, but hey, Jesus does comes back on a horse so there's still hope! Haha
By the end of the day we were all pretty tired and were craving some American food. Luckily, Siem Reap is a touristy town and there were tons of white people there. It was more common to see a white person on the street than a Cambodian. Because of this, there were lots of restaurants with western food. We decided on Mexican....kind of ironic that we classify that as American haha. It was really good. I had already gotten in the mind set of coming home, and I could tell I was truly tired of Khmer food. Though the Khmer food was delicious, it always seemed to make my stomach a little upset. It was pretty much like this the entire trip every other day. The other girls experienced a little bit of it too. The funny thing was though, the night I was the sickest, was the night we had pizza and french fries with salad and coke in Phnom Phen. How ironic!? I think it was because I was so used to eating fresh, non chemical, organic meats and vegetables that something the slightest processed just through me off.
I'll finish up with the end of the trip in my next post.
Love,
Laura
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Harsh realities, comforting truths.
Yesterday, I left the orphanage in the morning. I wanted it to be a quick goodbye so it wouldn't be as hard, but it didn't turn out that way. I wanted to cry so bad, but told myself I wouldn't. I think now I am feeling the affects of holding back those tears. It has hit me that I won't be seeing them.
We left yesterday morning and drove up to Phnom Phen where we took a detour and finally went to Toul Sleng. Toul Sleng is the highschool Pol Pot used during the Khmer Rouge as a prison and torture center. I cannot even begin to describe to you the horror that went on at this place. Never in my life have I felt such uneasiness. It was horrible. Ginny and I got a tour guide who took us through all three buildings and gave us many details I wish we had been spared of. It was very informational. Turns out she was a survivor of the Khmer Rouge. She told us her story about how she had to walk almost half way across the country, was separated from her parents and siblings and never saw them again. She was left in the rice fields and couldn't walk because her leg had been brutally damaged by torture. She showed us her scare on her left leg. She didn't tell us what they did to her. She said she was only 14 years old. She survived by eating worms in the rice fields. She did this for about 4 years and survived.
When touring Toul Sleng we were shown the places where they used to torture people. This is very, very, difficult for me to write about right now, but people need to know. It was the most horrific scenes I had every seen. They still had the metal beds and torturing tools they used. There were images on the walls of people who had been tortured and the different methods. There were still blood splatters all over the ceilings and stains on the floor that are still visible. It was the worst thing I have ever seen or witnessed. We also saw where the prisoners were kept. There was such a sense of hopelessness I felt. There were many, many, gruesome images of tortured corpses. There are bones on display and pictures of all of the victims because they were all registered under Pol Pot. When we were in one room I tripped over something, later to find out that it was an anchor on the floor where prisoners were chained and lined up in rows, dead or alive. Seeing some of the pictures of the children that were victims was the worst. A lot of them looked like kids at the orphanage. It makes me sick. I can't even describe to you what it is taking me to write this write now. I am horrified.
After Toul Sleng, we went to the memorial at the Killing Fields. We took an audio tour. There were over 3 million people killed during the Khmer Rouge, and most in killing fields. The people would be tortured at Toul Sleng and then brought in a truck to the killing fields, either already dead, or almost dead. They would be blind folded and hands tied behind their back, put on their knees, killed and pushed into the mass graves. Because bullets were expensive, most victims were killed by being struck in the head with tools such as shovels or large bamboo sticks. No one was an exception, not even some of the Khmer Soldiers. Men, women, and children of all ages, even infants were murdered senselessly. There is a spot where a large tree stands. This was a tree that was used to kill the babies. The soldiers would take the babies and throw them up against the tree. Sometimes the mothers witnessed this. Other times, unborn babies were ripped out of the mother's womb. Along the path around the mass graves there are clothes, teeth, and bones, that are still making their way to the surface. I have never witnessed anything as terrible as this. There were rags of clothes sticking out half way from under the dirt. There were many bones that we saw also making its way to the surface. There were small fragments at first on the trail, but as we kept walking, we started to see more clothes and larger bones coming up from the surface. There were bits of skull and long bones that looked like they were arms or legs. There were displays of piles and piles of clothes. There is a monument temple dedicated to the victims. The graves have all been excavated and the bones, from skulls to toe bones, are filled all the way up to the top of the temple. It was terrifying. I can't even fathom that this was less than 30 years ago!
People always say, "How could a loving God let this happen?" God is sovereign in every aspect of anything and everything you could possibly imagine, from the smallest microorganisms, to the entire universe, but we forget that evil still has dominion on this earth. I can't wait for the day when Christ returns and puts evil back where it belongs and we can all rejoice and praise our King in the New Heaven and New Earth. Our God is so good, and even though bad things happen, we must remember this. The fact that He would even think about having mercy on our sinful souls is enough, but more than that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to take on His wrath and our sin so that we may have a way to be with God, our Creator, Sustainer, Provider, and Savior. Yes, it is hard to think about these things, but we have to remember that there is HOPE and that hope comes from Jesus. I think about these things, and other hard questions I cannot answer, and wonder myself, but I do know that God has one perfect plan for all of His creation, and that even though bad things happen, He is still in control. It's easy to blame God and question His love for humanity when we witness such horror as genocide, but we must remember that God doesn't mess up. He never did and never will. I don't know why things such as these happen, and I can't answer that question for myself, but I do know that I believe in a loving and just God. God's justice is true. God's love is true. God's plan is flawless. He is the Sovereign One and nothing can separate us as believers from His love! I wish I could give an explanation as to why bad things happen if God loves His people, but the only thing I know is that His ways are so much higher than our ways, and that our minds cannot fathom the type of justice God has. Human justice is not equivalent with God's justice. And essentially since there is no human goodness, human goodness is not, never has been or ever will be, equivalent to God's goodness. We are purified in Him and can only lay at His feet in desperation for healing and cleansing from our sins. We NEED God. He does not need us. He loves us because He so chooses to love us, and we love Him because He so chooses to enable us to do so. None is righteous, no not one. He first loves us so that we can love. I'm not a Bible scholar, and I don't know all that much theology, but I can tell you this, I believe in the Holy, Living Word of God and I know that what it says is the ultimate truth and that NOTHING can stand against it. Truth is not relative, truth is the word. We can never fully understand God, we aren't meant to. Our brains are not made for that. If we were able to figure out exactly how and why God works, this would make us equal to Him, and we know that is NOT true. You cannot master the Master.
Today we were on a bus for about 8 hours up to Siem Reap where I fly out of tomorrow night. We went to the markets and tomorrow we will go check out Angkor Wat, the most famous temples in Cambodia. I dread the plane ride back and I miss my family so, so, much. I also miss my "ch-ma" which is "cat" in Khmer haha. I have so much to do when I get back since school starts Monday. My brain is everywhere right now, but my heart is still with those smiling, angelic, faces at A Greater Hope Orphanage. I hope to return soon.
Love,
Laura
We left yesterday morning and drove up to Phnom Phen where we took a detour and finally went to Toul Sleng. Toul Sleng is the highschool Pol Pot used during the Khmer Rouge as a prison and torture center. I cannot even begin to describe to you the horror that went on at this place. Never in my life have I felt such uneasiness. It was horrible. Ginny and I got a tour guide who took us through all three buildings and gave us many details I wish we had been spared of. It was very informational. Turns out she was a survivor of the Khmer Rouge. She told us her story about how she had to walk almost half way across the country, was separated from her parents and siblings and never saw them again. She was left in the rice fields and couldn't walk because her leg had been brutally damaged by torture. She showed us her scare on her left leg. She didn't tell us what they did to her. She said she was only 14 years old. She survived by eating worms in the rice fields. She did this for about 4 years and survived.
When touring Toul Sleng we were shown the places where they used to torture people. This is very, very, difficult for me to write about right now, but people need to know. It was the most horrific scenes I had every seen. They still had the metal beds and torturing tools they used. There were images on the walls of people who had been tortured and the different methods. There were still blood splatters all over the ceilings and stains on the floor that are still visible. It was the worst thing I have ever seen or witnessed. We also saw where the prisoners were kept. There was such a sense of hopelessness I felt. There were many, many, gruesome images of tortured corpses. There are bones on display and pictures of all of the victims because they were all registered under Pol Pot. When we were in one room I tripped over something, later to find out that it was an anchor on the floor where prisoners were chained and lined up in rows, dead or alive. Seeing some of the pictures of the children that were victims was the worst. A lot of them looked like kids at the orphanage. It makes me sick. I can't even describe to you what it is taking me to write this write now. I am horrified.
After Toul Sleng, we went to the memorial at the Killing Fields. We took an audio tour. There were over 3 million people killed during the Khmer Rouge, and most in killing fields. The people would be tortured at Toul Sleng and then brought in a truck to the killing fields, either already dead, or almost dead. They would be blind folded and hands tied behind their back, put on their knees, killed and pushed into the mass graves. Because bullets were expensive, most victims were killed by being struck in the head with tools such as shovels or large bamboo sticks. No one was an exception, not even some of the Khmer Soldiers. Men, women, and children of all ages, even infants were murdered senselessly. There is a spot where a large tree stands. This was a tree that was used to kill the babies. The soldiers would take the babies and throw them up against the tree. Sometimes the mothers witnessed this. Other times, unborn babies were ripped out of the mother's womb. Along the path around the mass graves there are clothes, teeth, and bones, that are still making their way to the surface. I have never witnessed anything as terrible as this. There were rags of clothes sticking out half way from under the dirt. There were many bones that we saw also making its way to the surface. There were small fragments at first on the trail, but as we kept walking, we started to see more clothes and larger bones coming up from the surface. There were bits of skull and long bones that looked like they were arms or legs. There were displays of piles and piles of clothes. There is a monument temple dedicated to the victims. The graves have all been excavated and the bones, from skulls to toe bones, are filled all the way up to the top of the temple. It was terrifying. I can't even fathom that this was less than 30 years ago!
People always say, "How could a loving God let this happen?" God is sovereign in every aspect of anything and everything you could possibly imagine, from the smallest microorganisms, to the entire universe, but we forget that evil still has dominion on this earth. I can't wait for the day when Christ returns and puts evil back where it belongs and we can all rejoice and praise our King in the New Heaven and New Earth. Our God is so good, and even though bad things happen, we must remember this. The fact that He would even think about having mercy on our sinful souls is enough, but more than that He sent His son, Jesus Christ to take on His wrath and our sin so that we may have a way to be with God, our Creator, Sustainer, Provider, and Savior. Yes, it is hard to think about these things, but we have to remember that there is HOPE and that hope comes from Jesus. I think about these things, and other hard questions I cannot answer, and wonder myself, but I do know that God has one perfect plan for all of His creation, and that even though bad things happen, He is still in control. It's easy to blame God and question His love for humanity when we witness such horror as genocide, but we must remember that God doesn't mess up. He never did and never will. I don't know why things such as these happen, and I can't answer that question for myself, but I do know that I believe in a loving and just God. God's justice is true. God's love is true. God's plan is flawless. He is the Sovereign One and nothing can separate us as believers from His love! I wish I could give an explanation as to why bad things happen if God loves His people, but the only thing I know is that His ways are so much higher than our ways, and that our minds cannot fathom the type of justice God has. Human justice is not equivalent with God's justice. And essentially since there is no human goodness, human goodness is not, never has been or ever will be, equivalent to God's goodness. We are purified in Him and can only lay at His feet in desperation for healing and cleansing from our sins. We NEED God. He does not need us. He loves us because He so chooses to love us, and we love Him because He so chooses to enable us to do so. None is righteous, no not one. He first loves us so that we can love. I'm not a Bible scholar, and I don't know all that much theology, but I can tell you this, I believe in the Holy, Living Word of God and I know that what it says is the ultimate truth and that NOTHING can stand against it. Truth is not relative, truth is the word. We can never fully understand God, we aren't meant to. Our brains are not made for that. If we were able to figure out exactly how and why God works, this would make us equal to Him, and we know that is NOT true. You cannot master the Master.
Today we were on a bus for about 8 hours up to Siem Reap where I fly out of tomorrow night. We went to the markets and tomorrow we will go check out Angkor Wat, the most famous temples in Cambodia. I dread the plane ride back and I miss my family so, so, much. I also miss my "ch-ma" which is "cat" in Khmer haha. I have so much to do when I get back since school starts Monday. My brain is everywhere right now, but my heart is still with those smiling, angelic, faces at A Greater Hope Orphanage. I hope to return soon.
Love,
Laura
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